At Home with Mama

I'm home, in my old room, fresh with tape marks from my giant WEEZER collage..did I say collage? I meant SHRINE of 'yore. It's taken me nearly a week but I've successfully and finally cleaned this mofun room. Rummaged through some old photos, notes, letters, notes on back of photos, lounged on memory lane for a bit too, enjoying the fruits of what's past, grateful to have experienced any of it.

I feel immense gratitude for being here, at home i mean. Something tells me I'm doing my part by cleaning up all my junk. my mess. I lived here too. One room at a time, cleaning this whole house, it's my privilege to come back and clean it up.

I arrived last Saturday, literally alone for the first time in the house, my whole emotional being on overdrive. Hello rescue remedy. It seemed to stand still in time, as I left it, every room still holding onto all the sounds and the anger, like no one ever came back to make things right, it just waited. The whole house made of tears, I thought, how do you clean a house made of tears? One room at a time, I guess.

I let all the anger and frustration and all the mixed-up-ed-ness flow through me, one little chotchkie and cluttered corner at a time. All that wasn't mine and yet mine at once, I just sat with it all, and continue, not holding on exactly, just allowing all that emotion to flow through me, so that peace can be made within. Me letting go of the judgement, and the anger and the sadness and the selfishness, just letting it all come and go so I can finally breathe again. and remembering that I'm a space explorer and a weezer fan club member (even if my membership card has long expired).

Mama's sick. She has lymphoma cancer and just successfully finished her high-dose chemo treatment. Though she made it through, the treatment has left her with hardly any life force left. It's painful to see her so frail and weak, how can I not cry?

I wonder why the recovery process has to be so slow and painful? What is changing here? For one, I guess, to be here this month simply to be here for her, is a profound benefit, I can't help but feel that cancer means change, for a whole family.

I miss Erica and Rann but I'm glad it's just me here, for now. I got to stop running away from the poetry in my heart. Got to stop depending on other people to help me see it, got to learn how to stand on my own and got to allow myself to think again. with sensibility. this time.