It's all I wanna be

Like Mt. Fuji,

singular and radiant

even in the night.

At Home with Mama

I'm home, in my old room, fresh with tape marks from my giant WEEZER collage..did I say collage? I meant SHRINE of 'yore. It's taken me nearly a week but I've successfully and finally cleaned this mofun room. Rummaged through some old photos, notes, letters, notes on back of photos, lounged on memory lane for a bit too, enjoying the fruits of what's past, grateful to have experienced any of it.

I feel immense gratitude for being here, at home i mean. Something tells me I'm doing my part by cleaning up all my junk. my mess. I lived here too. One room at a time, cleaning this whole house, it's my privilege to come back and clean it up.

I arrived last Saturday, literally alone for the first time in the house, my whole emotional being on overdrive. Hello rescue remedy. It seemed to stand still in time, as I left it, every room still holding onto all the sounds and the anger, like no one ever came back to make things right, it just waited. The whole house made of tears, I thought, how do you clean a house made of tears? One room at a time, I guess.

I let all the anger and frustration and all the mixed-up-ed-ness flow through me, one little chotchkie and cluttered corner at a time. All that wasn't mine and yet mine at once, I just sat with it all, and continue, not holding on exactly, just allowing all that emotion to flow through me, so that peace can be made within. Me letting go of the judgement, and the anger and the sadness and the selfishness, just letting it all come and go so I can finally breathe again. and remembering that I'm a space explorer and a weezer fan club member (even if my membership card has long expired).

Mama's sick. She has lymphoma cancer and just successfully finished her high-dose chemo treatment. Though she made it through, the treatment has left her with hardly any life force left. It's painful to see her so frail and weak, how can I not cry?

I wonder why the recovery process has to be so slow and painful? What is changing here? For one, I guess, to be here this month simply to be here for her, is a profound benefit, I can't help but feel that cancer means change, for a whole family.

I miss Erica and Rann but I'm glad it's just me here, for now. I got to stop running away from the poetry in my heart. Got to stop depending on other people to help me see it, got to learn how to stand on my own and got to allow myself to think again. with sensibility. this time.

A Few Women to Admire..

Annie Leibovitz

I went to her solo show, a retrospective at the Brooklyn Museum around 4 years ago when I first moved to NYC. It was incredible because, despite all the chaos at that time, I was cosmically able to attend the opening. I viewed her incredible evolution as a photographer and as a woman. Her photos always tell a story, a real and honest one. And I intensely admire the ease of her subjects, its like they all trust her and in her or through her they can relax and just be. I want to be such a photographer one day. Also, she walked past me. Not with an entourage or associate, just herself. And I was by myself, loving that I could be alone at the event, I strayed away from the crowds and was just meandering. It seemed like she was looking for the bathroom or something or was just happy to get a breath to herself. My breath, however, was completely gone and I froze. Unable to understand the moment or to act or do or think anything I just looked at her and felt so grateful to know that yes, Annie Leibovitz is a real live person and aside from all her accomplishments and admirers, she probably just craves being alone sometimes.


Mariane Pearl

I saw her in Tokyo around 5 years ago. She was giving a talk about her new book 'A Mighty Heart'. I went with some friends to hear her speak. I didn't know much about her at the time, I just knew that President Ikeda shook her hand and told her he knew everything about her. I saw this on a video screen and I saw the joy in her eyes. I knew I wanted to hear what she had to say. She spoke very clearly even with her little son restless about her, the way kids do when they see their parents being serious and non-attentive. Despite her clarity she seemed exhausted and left promptly when her time was up. 'The Pearl' is SUA's student newspaper named after her husband. Emily who was an editor for the paper brought a copy with her and ran after Ms. Pearl and basically forced the copy into her hands before she disappeared from the crowd.
What I remember about her talk was the way she spoke. It was like she knew what she was made of, her strengths and weaknesses and was vividly aware of what she needed. She was very eloquent and smart.

Elizabeth Gilbert

She's a great storyteller and one thing I've learned is that everyone loves a good story. She gave a fabulous talk on the Ted Talks program about the curse of creativity. Of course she didn't explain it as a curse, only her journey to understand her own creative spirit and to even make friends with it. She's so open, not by nature, but by her own accomplishment. I understood from her that creativity comes in many forms for all people, but it can always be found in a woman.





Tali

I admire all my friends--incessantly. I learn from each of them and love them without boundary. Tal, however, has gone through what I can only describe as a monsoon of experience, seeing much more than I ever have. She's the kind of person that anyone is happy to have met in a lifetime of meeting people and she creates a memory there. Tal really helped me (and still does) to understand the value of working to help others. I could see, from her life, that it actually heals open wounds within. Supporting other women, as a woman, I flourish and continue to grow and have all my needs met.

I love you Tali!

Monologue

I recently finished performing with the show, GAIA, directed by Ritsuko Sato. It was a great production and all in all I'm thrilled to have been a part of it.

Ritsuko asked me to write a monologue to act out in one of the scenes. At first I was not motivated to do anything of the sort. The show dealt with such deep themes and a cascade of landscapes that it was challenging enough just being present at the rehearsals. I sensed that creating a monologue meant I had to dig, if even a little bit, within and expose something--anything. LIFE has been asking this of me for quite some time and until then I put it off simply because I could.

So after a series of drafts and early morning rehearsals after work, with Rann as my acting coach (:)), I came up with 'something':

Myself, my neighbors

They walk around me, faceless
along the path where I've fallen.

witnessing what they cannot see.

Where's the core of my truth?
Exhausted from excitement,
Overwhelmed by dread.

An apple falls from its tree.

-Aw man!,
well..
-that way then.


I want to find that thing
he said about the 'good dancer'.

The part where he goes to the
hilltop and danced
and danced!

And he felt so free.
And it was exhilarating.

That's my favorite part of Nietzsche.


There's only a path --
good and friendly,
cheerful and real.

I'll know because the ground will be hard and
an apple tree will grow there.


_____________________________________________

So I'm terribly grateful for Ritsuko's vision throughout the production process and for gifting me an opportunity to shake hands with my creativity.